Author: Ashley Dew

One evening when I first moved to Ireland, I was sitting in a pub talking to a local and he told me it was easy to spot an American from a mile away. I laughed at the hilarity of his ill-informed comment and decided it was time to move on to a place where people knew what they were talking about. So I pulled my passport neck wallet out from inside my shirt, paid and left.

Traveling outside your region or country can be intimidating and I understand that feeling safe doesn’t always come naturally. But after many years traveling, I’ve come to realize that we often take off on a trip and leave the most important thing at home: our common sense. If you don’t want to be a target for thieves and tourist traps, the idea is to blend in, and avoid standing out like a tourist circus clown.

I recently asked my German beau what he thought some of the most obvious things are that scream, ‘TOURIST!’, and here was his response:

“American men wear short pants (shorts) with oversized bottom-up shirts (button-up shirts) that have half the sleeves cut off and little pineapples on them. They also wear those hats that have a sun shield attached (baseball cap) and either shoes for running or open toe’d shoes with socks… and American women wear flip flops everywhere.”

Let’s face it, Americans dress for comfort. Europeans dress for fashion. In Europe men don’t show their legs unless they are swimming, and depending on which beach you are on, they might be showing more than that. If you’ve never been to Europe, its hard to know how to look European so I’m going to tell you some of the most flagrant traveler faux pas’ in order to help you ‘blend’.    

Let’s first talk about the most glaringly obvious I-am-a-tourist-from-a-wealthy-country-you-should-steal-from-me accessory: the khaki pant. Add some pleats to it, and well, you’re done for. It’s like a German traveling to the U.S. wearing his lederhosen and wondering how everyone seems to know he isn’t a local. While I understand that every American man adores his khakis, they are fashionable only in America and where they should remain when you fly oversees. Any other color slack or chino will do.

Moving on to the running shoe/white tube sock combo. Now, don’t get me wrong… I love my running shoes but Europeans only wear them for running. More than likely you are going to be walking quite a lot, so comfort is of course important, but think casual sneakers- not white, mesh toe’d running shoes. And leave their white tube sock counterparts in Oklahoma where they belong. Black is the new white in Europe.

If you need to pull out a map, don’t do it in the middle of Trafalgar Square. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been somewhere and seen someone standing in an already cramped space, arms outstretched holding a map, while turning to find the right direction and knocking people over in their midst. T-O-U-R-I-S-T. If you must look at your map, use discretion or go to a café, order yourself a coffee and ask the barista or a local sitting at the bar for directions. Meanwhile, might I advise you to take the camera off your neck and put it somewhere a bit more discreet?

Sweatpants and track suit bottoms? Come on, guys. This is Europe.

I can assure you that the locals nowhere wear passport neck wallets or hidden-in-your-pants belt wallets, so if someone is looking for a tourist to rip off, they are going to go for slick Rick with the ‘hidden’ neck wallet, that of course isn’t anymore hidden than a normal wallet is the second they go to pay for something. Leave these at home with your khakis and Hawaiian florals.

I hate to say it, but most ‘traveling gadgets’ are as good as wearing a flashing ‘Rip Me Off’ sign over head. All you need is a small rolling suitcase, a good pair of walking shoes, a few outfits according to the climate and season, a pocket guide, a sleek camera that fits easily into your pocket, and a sense of adventure. No one will think for a second about stealing a camera from someone who doesn’t look like they have one.

Traveling is an absolute blast if you can master the art of blending. You don’t even need a map. In my opinion, getting lost is the best way to discover a place. Disappear into the city. Stop in a park or at a pavement café and ask a local if you really need directions. Answer when a stranger starts talking to you. You’ll most likely never see him again. He won’t know your name or where you work or who your Dad is or your greatest fears or how you packed and unpacked eight times to create that perfect outfit you are wearing. These are the precious moments traveling is made of and I urge you to lay your camera down and share the moment, suspended in time, before blending into the next unknown space.

1. They are Bavarians first, Germans second.
2. In Munich, you honor the biker. He might come out of nowhere, but if something happens to him, it will undoubtedly be your fault.
3. Every good German has hauptpflichtversicherung (main duty insurance) to protect them from, literally, everything.
4. In summer, you swim.
5. They are extremely comfortable with nudity, so don’t be alarmed if you are in Munich’s English Garden and see entire groups of men and women standing and chatting wearing nothing more than shoes.
6. Despite their openness to being splitterfasernackt (buck naked), they love a good rule and will certainly let you know if you’ve broken one. If the crosswalk signal says stop, you stop… and if you don’t, a policeman will come out of the bushes and ticket you.
7. You might want to reconsider answering that phone call while on public transportation. They have no problem with you talking to a friend, or friends, standing next to you on the train but there is an unwritten Bavarian law that says you aren’t suppose to talk to friends on the phone while on the train, probably because they feel a loss of control by not knowing what the entire conversation is about. Should you choose to break this rule, be prepared for eye-rolling, loud sighing and verbal reproach.
8. Public transportation may appear to be free, but it isn’t and Münchners always possess the appropriate ticket. They’re an honest bunch. I got caught twice without a ticket and tried to pull the ‘American card’, but that failed miserably. Munich is an international city and they are fully prepared for handling ‘international excuses’.
9. Recycling is a sport. Just go to a local supermarket bottle return on any given evening and you’ll know what I mean.
10. Pig, not Elvis, is king. He is esteemed as both lucky and delicious and comes in more forms than you could ever imagine.
11. Mustard. There is an entire aisle in the supermarket devoted to mustard.
12. Münchners come unhinged during ‘Spargelzeit’ (asparagus season). The pig is first, but the asparagus is a close second.
13. Don’t expect to go to a bank at a time that suits you. They take lunch breaks at exactly the same time you do and then close at 4:00, so unless you want to take a vacation day to go to the bank, you’re going to be shit out of luck.
14. They are diligent and efficient workers, despite working some of the shortest hours in the western world. They have an amazing work-life balance, with an average of 25 days of vacation a year, not including public holidays or the half-day they take on Fridays. In fairness, there are over 180 beer gardens in Munich, so you can hardly blame them for expecting more time off.
15. Finding a café with Wi-Fi in Munich is like striking gold.
16. Münchners might not appear to be an animated group, but just wait until the next 80’s song comes on the radio. The car windows come down, the smoke machine comes on, and they will belt out the words to ‘Under Pressure’ verbatim and with unrelenting passion.
17. Applauding, in Germany generally, is like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Germans lose control when it comes to clapping and if you attempt to keep their pace and passion, you will be icing afterwards.
18. Traditional Bavarian music sounds a bit like polka on cassette.
19. Münchners stare. Long and hard. And its not because you have something on your face. They are a curious bunch and have no qualms with ‘figuring you out’. If you try to break their stare with a smile, you will sadly lose. The only triumph I have found in these situations is beating them at their own game.
20. They don’t like scuffed shoes and will intentionally look down at your shoes and then back up at you to let you know they have spotted your scuff.
21. Münchners act in a way I can only describe as suspicious when the sun appears. You’ll notice that chairs at outdoor cafes are no longer facing each other to facilitate camaraderie and conversation, but instead are all turned toward the sun. Münchners can be found sitting in them for hours, covered with blankets, silent, eyes closed and faces tilted upwards. Go to San Lorenzo at Odeonsplatz on any sunny day and you’ll quickly understand what I mean.
22. They love giving, receiving, and processing paperwork. They photocopy it, smell it, stamp it, sign it, notarize it, fax it, care for it, and photocopy it again.
23. Germans can drink. Not in a vomit-in-the-toilet sort of way, e.g., American/Australian/English binge drinking, but in a nonchalant-I’ll-keep-drinking-until-the-last-man-goes-home sort of way. They will often wash down their dinner and wine with pure grain alcohol, but you will never see a German stumble. Their livers are just as adroit as their cars.
24. Do not expect small talk from Münchners at the supermarket checkout… or anywhere really.
25. They have one hundred percent the most stressful, nerve-wracking super market checkouts in the world. In the world. Supermarket cashiers are awarded by their level of efficiency, e.g., how many groceries they ring up in a given amount of time. This means that when they are done scanning your groceries, they will start scanning the groceries of the next customer in line whether you have already finished bagging yours or not, so you better know what belongs to you so you don’t leave half your groceries there in an effort to quickly escape the mania. Bagging your groceries quickly enough and paying while still trying to continue to bag becomes an art and I can only tell you that after three and a half years I still haven’t mastered it. The first time I went to a German supermarket, I came home, got a beer out of the refrigerator, sat on the couch and cried.
26. Watch where you step. As rule abiding of a society as this is, they somehow have not yet cultivated a rule for picking up after their dogs.
27. They love to mix their beverages, but not in a New York-cocktail-bar sort of way, but more in an-eight-year-old-stole-a-beer-from-Dad-and-mixed-coke-and-lemonade-with-it sort of way.
28. They know how to roast a mean chestnut.  
29. They are incredibly superstitious people and if you wish them a happy birthday before their actual birthday, the world will implode and the aliens will come down to take us all.
30. They can’t make a line to save their lives, which is hard to believe considering what an efficient group of people we are dealing with.   But the whole system fails when it comes time to form a line.
31. If you are next in line at the supermarket checkout, after having waited ten minutes, and a new checkout opens up, you don’t get priority, but instead a sort of mobbing occurs and it becomes every man for himself.
32. Sunday is for quiet time and Tatort only. The city closes down and should you decide to nail something in the wall or wash your car, you will soon be notified of what an ass you are from your neighbor.
33. Entire conversations can be had using only the words, ‘Alles Klar’, ‘Doch’, ‘Genau’, ‘Also’ and ‘Stimmt’.
34. They like house shoes and they often bring theirs over to your house to wear while visiting.
35. They blame 98% of all health issues and strange behavior on the föhn, which is a warm downslope wind from the Alps.
36. Bavarians love nature and walking paths and you will see them out every day of the year walking across fields and through woods in order to get some ‘frische Luft’ (fresh air).
37. But not without walking sticks. You will rarely seeing a Bavarian walking without professional trekking poles. It shows their dedication to the sport.
38. Finger food at social gatherings will consist mostly of many creative variations of cheese and ham.
39. Minutes prior to a train stopping, a Münchner will undoubtedly be standing at the door with hands firmly in position on the door handles in order to quickly and frantically open it when the train stops.
40. Do not ‘camp out’ in the left lane on the Autobahn. I repeat, DO NOT camp out in the left lane on the Autobahn. This lane is only for the far-advanced / unhinged / bats-in-the-belfry German driver.

My life has been a lot of things, but boring is not one of them. I owe this in its totality to my curiosity and spirit to follow that all knowing ‘pull’ (not to be confused with that self-justified, talk yourself into it, ‘push’). There was one occasion in particular when I followed that pull and it slung me out to the moon and back.

I was moving from Ireland to England and while the paperwork for my work visa was doing ‘the rounds’ in London, I made a quick trip to Georgia for some grits and buttermilk biscuits. I knew the paperwork could take a few weeks and I had braved the Irish rain so courageously for three years that I decided I would treat myself to some sunshine down in the Caribbean while I was home. So I booked a cruise and off I went.

Traveling alone has never been frightening to me and some of my best friends today are people that I met on solo journeys. You are inclined to strike up ‘random’ conversations and spend time doing what you want and need, which for me has culminated in huge personal growth over the years. I’ve gotten to know who this incredible girl really is, not just who everyone else expects her to be.

On this one particular trip I met a group of guys and gals from Los Angeles and we quickly became friends. We had a fun week discovering Barbados and Saint Lucia together and when it came time to say goodbye they invited me to come visit them for New Years. As it was only a week away, I thought it shouldn’t interfere with my London timeline and I had never been to Los Angeles… so… why not?

As it turned out, they were part of an A-list tribe in the city and I found myself visiting somewhat of a twilight zone. On one occasion I was at Kirstie Alley’s house and she and I got into a conversation about my travels. It was a pleasurable conversation and evening but nothing specifically noteworthy, or so I thought.

The next morning I went for a hike up to Griffith Observatory and when I got back I had two missed calls from an unknown number. I checked messages and there Kirstie was… on my voicemail… inviting me over that night for dinner… because she had something she wanted to talk to me about… I sort of sat there totally confused but eventually called her back and accepted the intriguing invitation.

Eight hours later I was no longer moving to London, but instead to Los Angeles to work and live with Kirstie Alley. I had managed my own business previously and she wanted me to help her with hers.  At the time she was the spokeswoman for Jenny Craig and needed help organizing her various business ventures and felt I was someone who would be good at that. As I was listening to this role that she wanted to create for me, based on a one-hour conversation we had had the previous night, it occurred to me that I didn’t actually live in Los Angeles. I barely had a toothbrush and a couple pairs of underpants there, much less a home. I reminded her of this substantial reality and she folded that nicely into her proposal and offered that I live with her. It was all dream-like and my curiosity won in the end.

I turned down my work visa for London and had everything shipped back to the U.S. It was a wonderful experience, although life there never managed to evolve from the dream-like state, but instead morphed into an introspective catechism. It was a fun time and I got to meet attractive people that were big faces on the screen, but after a while I began to realize that what is deemed as ‘interesting’ or ‘important’ is a very personal and subjective thing. For me that life was neither interesting nor important, despite what the media would have you think.

It was a world of fad diets, plastic surgery, and expensive face creams designed to make you think that the best version of yourself can be bought. For me they were empty promises and nothing more than a lesson along my journey. Although Los Angeles was not a space of gravity for me, it helped me realize that no matter where you go, time spent enjoying yourself is never time wasted, and at the end of that pull what I found was the coolest version of Ashley.